Marriage: A Take, rather many takes
Traditional Indian woman : You get 3 meals, some sarees, a couple or more kids from whom you derive some sort of emotional satisfaction and support sometimes, a roof over your head, an identity as someone's wife which could keep you safe from marauding males; and someone you can have sex with legally , enjoyable or not.
In return, you look after home and hearth, him and his, blend your interests with his.
You now become the identity of the family.
The family you were born into takes a second d place. If it doesn’t, God help you. Because you will never find the first place in ‘your man’s heart.
The romantic man or woman: You blend the two I’s into a ‘we’. Everything has to be looked at from this point. Is this good for us? It is us against the world. We share ideas, efforts, the bed, the house, holidays, friends, email-ids. We do things together, even going to the dentist. We are there for each other. We help each other grow. He or she is the person I totally trust.
Middle aged woman who is finding herself: The person you marry is one of the relationships in your life. It shouldn’t be more important than the one you share with your kids, your parents, your siblings, your friends, whoever is important to you.
Difficult, because by doctrination, you've given him the idea that he is and should be the centre of your universe. You don’t do things which he doesn’t like. With many many women, it’s a case of fear. Not only of physical or verbal violence . Even of just causing displeasure and sulks. You don’t want unpleasantness in the home.
He is used to you cajoling him ou tof his sulks. After all, whom else does he have? Himself. He doesn't know who he is while you are around.
Now, its getting tiring. But you’ve set that pattern and neither he nor you canbreak it.
By giving in so often, you've given him the power over you. You have created the person that he has become and now you want out?
At least of the subtle power he as over you to cut your calls when he comes in; of hiding relationships even tho innocent from him, of not being yourself completely when he is around.
Anna Quindlen in Rise and Shine: It’s the biggest arrangement of all. You make me look smart and I make you look kind. You make me look rich and I make you look generous. You make me look interesting and I make you look credible.
Its not about whether people like each other or love each other or have sex with each other or want to be with each other. It is a deal.